If you’re like most people after a breakup you’ve probably found yourself thinking about your ex and wondering if your ex is still thinking about you. It’s a natural reaction, even if a relationship has ended badly, but it’s not healthy.

Masochism by any other name

Dwelling on your ex and what he may or may not be thinking is only prolonging your own pain and it can’t possibly serve any good purpose. Remember, it’s called a “breakup” for a reason. As the name suggests, something has gone wrong and is broken and while some broken things can be repaired, sometimes they just need to be discarded and replaced.

Somethin’s fishy

Of course, that’s never easy to hear, and it isn’t made any easier when well-meaning family and friends try to comfort you by reminding you that “there are other fish in the sea” when you’re still wanting that particular fish that slipped out of your grasp.

Hard, cold, reality

As difficult as it is, though, for your own sake you need to accept the reality that the relationship is over and find a way to move on. The sooner you can figure out how to do this, the better off you’ll be. You may even find that there’s someone else out there, someone better, with whom you can build a relationship that will actually work. That’s when the real healing begins.

No peeking

In the initial stages after a breakup, though, you may find yourself curious about whether your ex has moved on cleanly or is still thinking about you. Unfortunately, with the prevalence of electronic devices and social media, it’s now easier than ever to keep tabs on someone without him even realizing it.

A crystal ball, perhaps?

Just because you can pop onto Facebook, check his blog or send a quick text, however, doesn’t mean that you should and you would be much better off trying your best to avoid that temptation. That said there are some ways that you can easily determine if your ex is thinking about you:

1. You get silent phone calls – One of the most common ways that exes try to keep up with each other is by calling and then hanging up. Usually, this is just a matter of wanting to hear the other person’s voice but not actually wanting to go the whole nine yards and communicate. You may even have done this yourself with your ex.

   If you suddenly find yourself getting a spate of phone calls with no-one on the other end not long after a breakup, chances are good it’s your ex, who has continued to think about you and wanted to maintain some form of contact.

2. They’re keeping new relationships under wraps – If you find out through friends or mutual acquaintances that your ex is involved with someone else but they’ve been keeping quiet about it, that’s usually a good sign that they’re still thinking of you and didn’t want you to find out that they had moved on.It’s a mixed signal at best, but you need to take it for what it is and accept that things are truly over and move on.

   Clinging on to the idea of getting back together is extremely unhealthy for both of you. If he’s been able to move on to another relationship than clearly his feelings for you weren’t that strong. Cut your ties and let him go, it’ll be better for you in the long run.

3. He’s posting telling links – Social media has been a boon when it comes to making connections, whether business or personal, and it can be one of the quickest and easiest ways to determine if an ex is still thinking of you. That doesn’t mean that your ex will necessarily be putting it down in black and white.

   More often than not people coming off of failed relationships will not want to talk about it publicly but that doesn’t mean that they won’t be throwing off subtle hints.One of the most telling of all is posting links to favorite love songs. This is particularly true right after a breakup, as the titles of those songs are likely to give some sort of hint about how your ex is feeling. So if you are checking in on his Facebook page or Twitter updates, don’t always look for the obvious stuff.

4. He’s checking your blog – If you’ve got a blog or personal web page, chances are good that if your ex is still thinking about you he’ll be surreptitiously checking it out. Even if he doesn’t leave comments or any outward sign that he’s been there you can still determine the truth by checking your stat counter.If you’re tech savvy it isn’t difficult to do this but before you do, you really need to stop and ask yourself if it’s worth it. Are you just curious about what your ex is thinking or are you the one desperately holding on?

5. He asks about you – Long before it was possible to look online and find out what your ex was doing, the most direct way to know whether he was thinking of you was if he actually took the time to ask about you when he’s around mutual friends or even family members. If he has truly moved on then he shouldn’t care enough about what you’re doing to ask about it.Just because he’s asking about you, though, that doesn’t mean that you should be running to get back together with him. You need to remind yourself of why you broke up and ask yourself if renewing contact is really a good idea.

6. He “coincidentally” crosses your path – Another good sign that your ex is still thinking about you is if you suddenly find yourself happening to bump into him when you’re out and about. While coincidences do occur, in this case it’s likely that he’s been keeping up with what you’re doing, maybe even asking mutual friends what you’re up to, and is making an effort to show up at the right time and place. The problem here is that you’re likely to think this is a good sign and that he wants to get back together but that’s not necessarily the truth.

   Chances are that he just wants to find out if you’ve adjusted to the breakup and maybe even hoping to keep you as a “safety valve” of sorts. This isn’t healthy and you deserve better so don’t allow yourself to be fooled. The truth is that even if your ex is throwing out these signs that he’s still thinking of you, you need to be the bigger person and make the choice to walk away for good. No matter how much you might believe that you’re still in love and how much you want another chance to make things work, that’s not always the best thing for you. You need to think about your emotional health in the long run and do what’s right and that may mean facing facts and accepting that the relationship is over.

   It can be particularly difficult to do this if you had an amicable breakup and your ex maintains communication with you. Then you can easily fool yourself into thinking “well obviously he still loves me and wants to be with me” but that’ not necessarily true. In fact, by keeping that line of communication open what your ex is probably doing is just giving himself a comfortable “fall back” option should he not be able to begin a new relationship.

   Keeping you as the standby may be a sign that he’s still thinking of you, but not in a healthy way. It’s like hanging on to that pair of old, worn in slippers in case the new shoes you bought are too uncomfortable. You deserve better than to be treated like the comfortable, familiar life preserver. You should be with someone who is with you because he wants to be, because he loves you for who you are and how you make him feel and who wants to build a future with you. If that’s the kind of relationship you want, than that’s what you should be focused on and not trying to hold on to your ex.

   There’s nothing worse than the pain of a breakup and it can be difficult to find it in yourself to let go and move on but don’t give in to that sense of desperation that you’re feeling. As bad as the pain may seem right now, believe it or not it will get better and you just need to hold on and be determined to make a new start. That start begins by letting go of the past.

   Even if your ex is still thinking about you that doesn’t mean you should be thinking about him. Unless, of course, it’s to learn from your mistakes and make sure that you don’t repeat them in the future. That way you can build the relationship you really deserve and be truly happy again.