When a relationship ends, I bet all your friends and family tell you to “just get over it.” Or maybe they use that old platitude, “there are plenty more fish in the sea.”
What they don’t seem to get is that you don’t want just ANY fish. You want THAT PARTICULAR fish, and you’re prepared to do just about anything to get him or her back again.
But actually, the end of a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
It can be viewed as an opportunity.
A GIFT, even. You’ve been granted the opportunity to fix your relationship – to figure out what went wrong and how to never, ever let it happen again.
You can use this opportunity to make things BETTER than they ever were before. And when you’ve dealt with all the emotions and made all the necessary improvements, then it’s time to get your lover back.
There is a book that explains exactly how to do this.
The book is called “Second Chance: How to Win Back the Love of Your Ex,” and it’s a practical how-to guide to getting back your lover.
That means that you won’t just learn how to THINK about the situation you’re in, you’ll discover precisely what to do to win back the love of your ex.
If you’re interested in healing your relationship pain, understanding WHY the two of you broke up and welcoming your ex back into your life, then check out the book here:
When a relationship ends, it feels as though the world’s been turned upside down. Suddenly, everything that is familiar and precious has vanished. All that’s left is the cold, insensitive world.
It’s scary, it’s horrible … and it’s your new reality.
With a head full of confusion and a heart full of pain, the one question on your mind is: “How can I fix this situation RIGHT NOW?”
During the initial shock and confusion of a breakup, it’s common for the one left behind to shelve logic and common sense, and focus instead on the emotional side, such as pain, anger, hurt, grief, betrayal and shock.
With this whirling inferno of negative emotions comes another strong reaction: denial.
You want to know how to get your ex back and stop the pain of this breakup – preferably, as soon as possible. It hurts way, way too much to allow this situation to continue for one SECOND longer than is absolutely necessary.
There’s no time to consider whether or not the end of the relationship might actually be a good thing in the long run.
You’re in far too much pain to think about what it was that made your partner so unhappy that he/she chose to end the relationship rather than try to fix things.
Grief is the most painful of all emotions, and when you’re in its grip, all that matters is stopping the pain. NOW.
As far as you can see, the easiest way to stop the pain of a breakup is to fix the relationship – to get your lover back and get rid of this awful, agonizing, ever-present sorrow.
Unfortunately, fixing a broken relationship is not all that easy. As Greg Behrendt and Amira Ruotola-Behrendt, authors of “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken,” say, relationships end for a reason. Even if YOU feel like the relationship was the most perfect relationship in the history of the world, IT CLEARLY WASN’T.
Because for one person in that relationship – that’s 50 percent of the partnership – things were bad enough to end it.
Not try to fix it. Not “take a break.” But actually consider what you have to offer your significant other, decide against it, and cut their losses now.
Today, we’re going to take a look at how to cope with the confusion, anxiety and grief that ensue when a relationship ends.
To illustrate, I’ve included a question from a reader of Mirabelle Summer’s, author of “Second Chance.” This question, with slight variations, has to be one of THE MOST COMMON questions of all when dealing with a relationship breakup.
This one’s from Natalie, and she writes:
I think I screwed up … and I need some help. A great relationship that I have just been in for the past three years has recently ended. He was the one who ended it, not me.
We have been apart for a month now, and we still stay in touch … he says he wants us to be friends.
A couple of times we’ve slept together since the breakup, and he says that although he still really cares about me, it was just sex and he doesn’t want us to get back together.
Here is my question, Mirabelle: Are we going to get back together? Surely because he wants to be friends and we are still sleeping together, that means there is a chance. Am I still in his heart as much as he is in mine? Do you think that he still thinks about me as a potential girlfriend?
Our relationship was so great. All I want is to get him back again, and I think that because he is still thinking about me that this must be possible.
Please tell me what to do to get our relationship back on track. And thank you very much for all your help in books, newsletters, etc.; it is very helpful to me.
Slow down there a moment. What you need to do is take a deep breath and calm down.
Just from the few lines that you’ve written in to me, I can tell you several things that are very clear to an objective observer:
1. He does NOT still love you, and he does NOT think of you as a potential girlfriend. He doesn’t even think of you as a friend, let alone potential girlfriend material.
2. He does still think about you, but this doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It just means that you’re entering his headspace now and again.
3. You are too sad from the ending of the relationship to make good decisions for yourself right now. You need to ask someone close to you for some advice and ongoing support as you extricate yourself from this emotional mess.
Allow me to clarify each of these points.
Point 1: How can I tell that he does not still love you? Well, firstly because he says so. Secondly, because of the way he’s treating you. He might be saying that he would like the two of you to be friends – but pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his WORDS.
Is he behaving how a true friend would? No, he is not. He’s causing you pain and confusion and is allowing you to hope that the two of you will mend your broken relationship. That’s not friendship; that’s plain selfishness.
Even putting aside the fact that the two of you are still sleeping together every now and then, there is NO WAY that the relationship you have right now could be termed a “friendship” by ANYONE’S measures.
A friendship is all about trust, respect and mutual PLATONIC enjoyment of each other’s company. Friends are understanding, generous and kind to each other.
A friendship does not inflict pain on either of the people involved.
By these measures alone, the truth is that NEITHER of you is prepared to be friends.
As for your ex, I’m sorry to say that he is using you at the moment. He’s using you as a “safety measure” – he knows that he made the right decision for himself by choosing to end the relationship, but he enjoys the safety-net of having you there in the background.
Having you around means that he doesn’t ever have to fear being truly alone. After all, if things don’t work out for him as a single man or with any other girlfriends he might be keeping on the side, he knows that he could always try going back to you again for some quick sex, affection or an ego-boost.
And as for you yourself: you are clearly not ready for a friendship with your ex, either. You’re using the opportunity that this “friendship” presents to keep your ex in your life at any cost. You’re not wanting to be true friends. You are merely using the term “friendship” to hide behind as you try to figure out a way to get the two of you back together again.
This will only cause you pain in the long run because it’s allowing you to fool yourself that the relationship is not really “over” – when, in fact, it IS.
It’s confusing when you have to differentiate someone’s INTENTIONS from their ACTIONS.
For example, when your ex tells you that he still cares about you and wants to be your friend but then complicates matters by sleeping with you and explaining that he doesn’t love you anymore, it is very hard on you.
It’s difficult for someone who is so emotionally involved in the situation to see things clearly, which is why I’m so glad you’ve written in and asked for an objective opinion.
Point 2: Yes, he still thinks about you. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that he wants to get back together with you – or even that he particularly cares for your welfare or happiness.
Everyone thinks about exes from time to time. Depending on the circumstances of the breakup, they might think of an ex with fondness, bitterness, sadness or even rage – but none of these things means that the two of you will get back together.
In your case, he’s thinking of you for the simple fact that you were a major part of his life for a long time. It would be very difficult for him to NOT think of you every now and then. It doesn’t mean he still loves you, and it doesn’t mean that he wants to get back together with you.
Point 3: You’re not in a good place emotionally right now. It’s difficult for you to disengage your emotions enough to understand what you need to do to preserve your own best interests here.
If you were seeing things clearly, you’d see what doubtless all your friends and family members can see: That your ex has NO intention of getting back together with you.
That he’s simply using you as the “soft option” until someone better comes along.
That staying in touch with him is actually HARMING YOU and is prolonging the grieving process.
Fact: You need to make a clean break with your old relationship. This means no contact of any sort with your ex (and yes, text messages, email and voicemail all count as contact.)
I know that this will be painful for you. The end of a cherished relationship is always a bloody thing, even when that ending is for the best. You will have to be strong.
Here’s a fact that will help: by making a clean break, you’re actually choosing the option that’s the LEAST painful in the long run.
Yes, it will hurt more RIGHT NOW than if you were to continue to see him and to sporadically do things that give you false hope (like sleeping with him).
But breaking off that contact is actually making the breakup itself a lot more drawn out and painful than it needs to be. It’s putting off the day when you’ll be able to say to yourself, “I’m over him.” It’s sacrificing your long-term happiness, simply in order to delay the evil day of acceptance a little bit longer.
It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid: a quick rip, an “ouch,” and then … nothing but healthy, healed, smooth flesh underneath.
You need to write your ex an email or a letter and explain to him that you’ve made a decision to cease all contact from here on. Explain that you’ve made this decision because you’re looking out for your own best interests and that it’s simply too difficult to come to terms with the end of the relationship when you’re still hanging out – even if it’s only “as friends.”
Ask that he respects your wishes, and – as a nice touch – wish him all the best for his future. Then sign off, send it and congratulate yourself.
You’ve just taken the first step toward assuming emotional responsibility for yourself and your own life – and you’ve made yourself available for when REAL happiness comes knocking!
And rest assured, it will. Despite the pain, despite the anguish and agony you’re enduring right now, there will come a moment when you realize you’ve come through the worst. Light, love and hope will re-enter your life. You will come through this experience stronger and better than you were before. You’ll have learned valuable life lessons, and you’ll be truly ready to welcome someone who deserves you and all you have to offer into your life.
I hope you’ve gained great value from today’s newsletter. Here’s that link again to Mirabelle’s book: