Have you ever found yourself in a pattern of dating men who end up being emotionally unavailable? You meet a great guy, start connecting and things seem to be going well. But then he starts acting distant, stops calling as much or stops making plans to see you. You wonder what happened – why do you keep attracting men who aren’t interested in commitment?
You’re not alone. Many women find themselves in this frustrating cycle when it comes to relationships. The good news is there are reasons why this keeps happening and things you can do to break the pattern. Read on to learn more.
Why You May Be Attracting Unavailable Men
There are a few common reasons why you may keep finding yourself dating emotionally unavailable men:
- You’re Attracted to “Bad Boys”
Some women are drawn to the excitement and mystery of a bad boy who plays by his own rules. These men can be charismatic and confident. But bad boys are often non-committal and keep their options open when it comes to relationships. Learn to spot these men sooner and don’t let yourself get caught up in the thrill of the chase.
- You Mistake Intensity for Intimacy
Pay attention to the cues. Some unavailable men come on strong in the beginning, showering you with attention and flattery. This intensity makes it easy to think you’ve made a real connection, when in reality he may just be using you to fill an emotional void. Don’t mistake intensity for true intimacy.
- You Accept Crumbs of Affection
Some unavailable men are experts at doling out just enough affection to keep you interested without having to commit. Don’t accept crumbs when you want the whole cake. Know your worth – you deserve a man who is as interested in pursuing you as you are in him.
- You Have a Pattern of Attaching to Avoidants
If many of your past relationships have been with avoidant or emotionally unavailable men, you may have an attachment pattern that draws you towards them. Work on healing any self-esteem issues or subconscious draw towards avoidants.
- You Fall for Potential
It’s easy to get excited when a man seems to have everything you want on paper – he’s attractive, charming, intelligent and successful. But some men won’t live up to that potential when it comes to emotional availability. Don’t fall for potential – focus on how he treats you.
How to Stop Attracting Unavailable Men
The good news is you have the power to break this cycle for good. Here are some tips:
Pay Attention to Red Flags Early On
Don’t ignore the signs that a man is emotionally unavailable even in the early stages of dating. Notice if he:
- Is vague about what he’s looking for in a relationship
- Sends mixed signals about his interest level
- Refuses to commit to concrete plans
- Doesn’t introduce you to his family and friends
- Is hot and cold in his communication and pursuit
When you see these red flags early on, don’t make excuses for his behavior. Address it or move on before developing stronger feelings.
Stop Pursuing and Let Him Step Up
Don’t do all the work for an unavailable man. Stop always being the one to initiate contact and make plans. Give a man the space to pursue you. Pay attention to whether he rises to the occasion. Give it a few weeks – if he doesn’t step up, he’s likely not that interested.
Set Standards and Stick to Them
Decide what you want and need in a relationship – intimacy, consistency, commitment, etc. – and don’t compromise your standards. It’s better to be alone than with a man who can’t meet your needs. Wait for someone who shows up for the kind of relationship you want.
Focus on Self-Love
When you have a fulfilling, confident life outside of a relationship, you’re less likely to settle for unavailable men. Build up your interests, nurture your female friendships and pursue your goals. Remind yourself regularly of your worth. The more you love yourself, the less you’ll accept less than you deserve.
Heal Any Attachment Wounds
If you have a pattern of attachment injuries – from childhood or past relationships – you may unconsciously be drawn to avoidants. Seek counseling to process and heal from emotional wounds. Learn to recognize healthy attachment so you can forge a new path.
Trust Actions More Than Words
Talk is cheap – only trust a man’s actions. Anyone can say the right things, but consistent behavior is what counts. Give more weight to how he treats you than the things he says. Don’t let yourself be strung along by empty words and promises.
Date with Discernment
Approach dating with an open heart but also wisdom. Don’t jump in the deep end too fast – wade in slowly and keep your eyes open. Don’t ignore red flags just because you like someone. Making good relationship choices takes discernment.
Remember, You Are Enough
Know your worth deep within. You deserve a meaningful relationship with someone who wants to be close to you. Don’t waste time on men who make you feel less than enough. Being single is better than being with someone unavailable. You are enough!
The Takeaway
You have the power to stop attracting and pursuing unavailable men, break old patterns and call in the love you truly want. Pay attention to actions over words, watch for red flags, set high standards and focus on raising your self-love. You are worthy of real intimacy and commitment. Believe you can create the relationships you desire – and your beliefs and actions will shape your dating experiences into what you want most.
